No One

Who knows what
It is in my mind
My soul
My heart

No one knows
What

Even I myself
In puzzled

Sometimes I
Thought I was
Clear

But then
I realized
Not

It gets even
Messier

Who knows what
It is in my
Heart
Soul
Mind

No one.

Cintaku memenuhi hatiku

"..amat besar harganya perkataanmu itu bagiku. Saya putus asa, atau saya timbul pengharapan dalam hidupku yang belum tentu tujuannya ini, semuanya bergantung bukan kepada diriku, bukan pula kepada orang lain, tetapi kepada engkau sendiri. Engkaulah yang sanggup menjadikan saya seorang gagah berani, tetapi engkau pula sanggup menjadikam saya sengsara selamanya. Engkau boleh memutuskan harapanku, engkau pun sanggup membunuhku."

"Kalau demikian, hari inilah saya terangkan di hadapanmu, di hadapan cahaya matahari yang baru naik, di hadapan roh ibu bapa yang sudah sama-sama berkalang tanah, saya katakan: Bahwa jiwaku telah diisi sepenuh-penuhnya oleh cinta kepadamu. Cintaku kepadamu telah memenuhi hatiku, telah terjadi sebagai nyawa dan badan adanya. Dan selalu saya berkata, biar Tuhan mendenharkan, bahwa engkaulah yang akan jadi suamiku kelak, jika tidak sampai fi dunia, biarlah di akhirat. Dan saya tiadakan khianat kepada janjiku, dan tidak akan berdusta di hadapan Tuhan, dan di hadapan arwah nenek moyangku"

78-79, TKVDW, Hamka

Begitulah sumpah Hayati kepada Zainuddin membuka rahasia batin yang tersembunyi di hatinya, yang selama ini bagaikan teka-teki.

Present

Suprises by suprises
Whether it bad or good
Both never left me
Unshock

Unlike gifts
You know you'll
get something

Daily suprises
By The One
Really makes me
Valued the present more

Thank you so much.

By adahredha@gmail.com

Existence

Existence is merely a word
That left
I no longer live
In present past or future
Of your life

My existence vanished
As I close my eyes
Because
I only live
Within
you

I need no medium
To keep in touch with you
For I am forever
With you

My silence is nothing
To you
Because I am you

Wait for me no longer
Because I am here
with you

May I find the right path
you can lead me to
YOU.

By adahredha@gmail.com

Bersatu

"Jasad berasingan namun jiwa tetap bersatu"

translated from Dilwale

My little warrior

Watching you lying
With no strength
Can be seen
And your eyes
Filled with emptiness
Of life

Day by day
You started to grow
Grew weaker
Like the life
You have now
Consuming you

No I am not
Ready to let you go
Not ready
To be left
By you in this
Harsh cold little world

Please don't
Don't leave me
I'm begging you

Keep on fighting
My little fighter
You have gone through
So much
Ever since you were young

Keep on living
My little warrior
You have lived this far
Don't give up
Just yet

I have gone through a lot
For the past few weeks
Don't leave me
I can no longer deal
With people and you
Leaving me
Alone

Harapanku

Ber-angan angan ku nampak
Seloka jenaka
Ku pohon agar
ia tak setinggi
Harapanku
Agar tidak
Jatuh dalam
Dilema yang
Bagaikan tidak
Berkesudahan

Oleh adahredha@gmail.com

Simple

I love night time
Because you never
And will never
Miss to say
A simple
Good night
To me
Which is
Like a
Box full of happiness
To my
Heart,
Good night.

By adahredha

Titisan akhir

Hilang fokusku
MenghadapNya
Tatkala hanyut aku
Dalam memori lama
bersama teman, kamu
Yang sentiasa bersama
Dengan aku memberi
Mula seronok dan rasa bahagia
Setelah hampir setahun

Dengan penuh sabar
Aku lalui
Satu persatu
Dari satu tempat ke
Satu tempat
Dari satu orang ke
Satu orang

Setelah selesai
Ke sana dan ke mari
Tibalah masanya maka
Aku diperbaringkan

Dengan seribu satu debaran
Aku ikuti setiap
Yang dipinta dan diminta

Lantas terkilas
Memori yang pertama kali
Hingga yang paling akhir
Terasa rindu menerpa
Saat itu

Saat dibius kesedaran
Terus rasa menyesal
Menjenguk ruang fikiran
Mengapa aku bersungguh
Sedang aku gemuruh
Perit itu terasa
Lama walau hanya sebentar

Kata kata mula dilontar
Dengan penuh tutur dan seloka
Memujuk aku
Untuk terus bersabar

Terus tidak terasa
Peritnya lagi
Yang ada hanya
Gelak tawa dan senyuman
Aku syukur

Pandangan bertemu
Merah gelap
Dan pekat bagaikan
Bebuah beri yang
Dihancurkan lumat
Sikit tiada rasa menyesal
Kekaguman mula menerpa
Bahagia menjelma
Syukur aku

Saat itu
Mula terasa hilang
Kehilangan yang mula
Dari atas
Namun aku redha
Dan rela dengan kehilangan itu
Alangkah bahagia
Dan tenangnya aku
Jikalau aku mampu
Untuk seredha dan serela ini
Dalam melepaskan
Dan menerima kehilanganmu

Sehingga ke titisan
Yang akhir aku
Mula merasa
Puas dan tenang
Segala rasa yang hadir
Bagaikan meresap dalam jiwa
Sehingga menimbulkan
Ketenangan yang aku kira
Jarang jarang aku
Rasai kini

Alangkah bahagianya
Dan tenangnya aku
Jikalau aku mampu
Untuk redha dan rela
Dalam melepaskan
Dan menerima yang aku
Tak akan dapat memilikimu
Dan dimilikimu
Dan kehilanganmu

Bukankah sudah aku katakan
Merinduimu itu
pedih pahit dan payah
Namun aku rela
Sakit rindu
Daripada sakit hidup
Dengan kenyataan
Hidup fana ini.

Oleh adahredha@gmail.com

The one

The moment
I think of you
Is the moment
That I believe
You too
Thinking of me

Whenever I miss you
I believe that
You are
Missing me
Too

Unlike others
Every time
You're reaching
Me
My heart blooms
Like magic
I feel

Like you are
The one
For me
And
I am
The one
For you

By adahredha@gmail.com

The best part

Remember and memories
All I have
To make you
To keep you
Alive in my life

No need photos
Memories are the best
And you are
One of the best part
Of my life

Missing you
And your whole life too

By adahredha@gmail.com

Better than

Forever bless
To know you
To understand you
To have you
And
To love you

You
In the other hand
Are perfectedly perfect
Unlike others

You
Know me
My past, my present and my future
You
Understand me
Better then anyone else
You
Love me
Like no one others

and I am
Forever blessed
To be in love with
You

By adahredha@gmail.com

Worth it

Selfish I am
Wraping my arms
Around me
Keeping myself
To me and only

Still you pick up
The phone and call
Reaching me
When others don't

It might looks like nothing
To some
But it means a lot
To me

You make me feel
I am too
Important to you

How selfish I am
To others yet you
Make me feel
Important again

I miss you so much
Like I can wrap you in my hugs
Every single day

You
Make
Me
Feel
Like
I
Am
Worth
It
Love.

By adahredha@gmail.com

Jump in and out

Hearing your voices
Through phone call
Which we didn't plan
To make
Makes my heart
Blooms with
Joy and excitement

Knowing how much
I have missed you

Really feels like
Want to jump into the phone
And jump out
To you
Hug and hug lots

Thank you dear
For having me
For always there
Making me feel special

Love you
Hug

By adahredha@gmail.com

My-s

My smiles are fewer
My glows are fading
My warmth is cooling
Because they are missing you

Missing to be near with you

Please come back early
I'll be waiting for you
Each and every piece of me
Eager and looking forward
To be with you, again

By adahredha@gmail.com

Wonder and magic

Your
Laughters and smiles
Illuminate the dim little world
Warm the cold hearted world, Of mine

Never dream of losing you
Always praise and grateful
Of having you

Everything looks wonderful and magical
with your sights and views

You, I love.

By adahredha@gmail.com

With me

In times of grief and lost
You come to me
No, you didnt
You did not come because
You are always here
With me

Support me through ups and downs
Believing me
In each and every move I made
Guiding me
To pass through the great challenges
In life

Nothing can I compare
The love you have
For me to anything that ever exist
In this world
And the greatest thing you always do is
Englightens me to love you too.

By adahredha@gmail.com

Ceiling and empty

Staring at the ceiling
Chanting the praises and phrases
Hoping my eyes to set loose
And my consciouness to be set free

All my senses wake
Capturing each and every details
From the loudest sound of thunder outside
To the silence of my own heart beat

Arms wraping each other
Trying to comfort and warm one another

Looking at the side, empty
Missing those eyes
Which will look after me till I pass
Missing those arms
Which will wrap and hug till I pass
Missing those warm breath
Which slightly touch my skin
And
Missing everything about you

Staring back at the ceiling
Hoping you there
Missing me too

By adahredha@gmail.com

Before

Lay down next to you
Is the last thing
I would love to do
Before enterring
The night dream world
Ahead

Looking at your eyes
Shining with little light
Gives me the best view
Of how much
Love you have for me

I would keep staring
At your face
Like the stars
Keep on shining
At night time

Till I close my eyes
And fall asleep
With you
Besides me
In your arms
that care and hug
Me well
Like a fragile little kid

Before entering the
Night dream world
Laying next to you
Is the last thing
I would love
To do

By adahredha@gmail.com

How can I?

Tears could not reach
down my cheeks
Because your hand
Wipe them off
And your lips
Kiss them soft

Nothing could beat
The careness
And lovingness
You have for me

Each and every smile
You make for me
Brightens my life
Mind heart and soul

Each and every laugh
You make for me
Enlightens my day
Mind heart and soul

No blades or bullets
Could ever pass through
Or even reach my heart
For you are always there
To keep me safe and sound
Wrap in your arms

How can I not be so in love
With you?

By adahredha@gmail.com

Missing part

As soon as my feet land on
the light pale brown sandy beach
My ears catch
the sound of sea waves
kissing the shore line
My skin feels the touch of
the sea breeze
My heart grows with joy love and happiness

The familiar nice sea scent
calms my mind
soothes my soul
hugs my heart

Close my eyes and
Open my arms wide
Like giving my all
To the nature

Only one missing
You.

By adahredha@gmail.com

Click like puzzle

Like a movie
We fall for
Each other
In one look
And glimpse

We both
Try to connect
Unexpectedly

Once in a while
Just enough
To burst
Happiness in
Me

Once in a month
We click like
Matching puzzles

It is like love
Fills the air
Between us
And
Keep us close
Together
Even when
We are apart

by adahredha@gmail.com

Like a little girl

Sneaking and peeping
Through the hour
And windows
Waiting for you
To come

The vehicle sounds
Nerves me
Like listening
To your footsteps

Coughing sounds
From the people
Walking and passing by
Injected blood rush
Like hearing
To your voices

Like a little girl
Waiting for her daddy to come
Back from work
Like a school girl
Waiting for her secret crush to come
Into the classroom

Patiently wait
For you to come back

Standing at the gate
Smiling broadly
Waiting for me
To run and you
Catch me in
Your arms

By adahredha@gmail.com

Dup-dap

Ticking clock
On the wall
Synchronizes with
My heart beats

Tick-tock
Dup-dap

Like our hearts
Beating together
Into in single rythm
When we lay
Down next to
One another

Dup-dap
Dup-dap

Listening to yours
Like listening to mine
Like listening to music
That sooth
And calm
My heart mind and soul

Like a lulaby
Singing by you
Till I fall asleep
In your arms

By adahredha@gmail.com

Blush

Blush is all
I know to
Do when I
See you
Meet you
Watch you

Blush is what
I do when
I know that
You look
You see
You smile
To me

I know not
Till they told me
That I
Blush

What can
I do to not
Blush

Because
You make
My heart
Pumps blood
Rush to make me
Blush

By adahredha@gmail.com

Shine

Waking up
Your shine kisses
My skin lightly
Just enough to
Brighten my morning
And day

Missing you every
Night and then

Being with your light
Reflected by
The moon
Making me missing
You even more

How I wish
I could stay there
With you
For now
And then
Forever

By adahredh@gmail.com

Done

Done
Satisfied with it
Managed to lock everything in
Without to explain
Just the way
My heart wants
To escape
All the noises
From the outside
And listen to only one
Done

Interview SPP (TESL) 2015

Panda Pakai Stokin's Interview

Stayed at Langit Langi Hotel in Dengkil, 18 minutes from JPM Putrajaya.

Performed Subh prayer at Masjid Putra, besides JPM.

Used second gate, at the right side of the JPM's buildings. Directly went to the safety officer and asked for entry pass (exchanged with my license).

Waited for the officer to walk through the entrance. In group, walked straight to the B3 building.

Reached to the SPP office, waited till the door open to the waiting (or gathering hall).

Sat down calmly (but I wasnt that calm haha).

Names would be called. Brought along my file and copies of certs (and rph book) to the staff. (In my case) He asked me to recheck and rearrange the certs (he checked thr copies) accordingly. Once done, he told me which group I am in (from room 1).

Then sat again, waited patiently (pray/revise/read/discuss/ do whatever you want but please behave haha).

The first group took about an hour and half. Once the staff called up my name, I brought along my rph book ONLY (others, just left them all).

Lined up according to the called, waited for the sound of bell inside, calmly (in my case, we were discussing and making noise, well, teacher kan. Haha). There were five of us; three from UTM  and two from UIAM.

Once entered, waitef for the direction from the panel(s). We placed our rph books at the corner of the table and sat down (only after they said, you guys may sit).

One of the panel, explained to us about the schema of the interview, who, what and which theme they would ask us (you could check it anywhere in the internet 'pemarkahan temuduga SPP).

(Luckily for us) The panel separated our interview by section (or theme, I guess).

The first one was the self introduction. He (yes, the panel is a he - Pegawai Kementerian Pelajaran). He listed down the points that he wanted; name, hometown, graduated from which university, working (salary per month) and status (if you are married, you have to inform him about you partner's occupation).

Before we moved on the the next section, he mentioned it (now, we moved on to the interview).

First questions (why 's' sebab soalan berkaitan dan bersambung), berdasarkan Falsafah Pendidikan Kebangsaan dan rukun negara, adakah terdapat sebarang perkaitan (kaitkan dengan pendidikan)? Bilakah rukun negara ditubuhkan? Antara rukun negara 3 dan 4, bincangkan perkaitannya. Antara rukun negara dan falsafah pendidikan, yang mana satu diadakan dahulu? Apakah perbezaan antara perlembagaan dan undang undang? Nyatakan satu contoh perlembagaan dan satu contoh undang undang.

Second, how do you write your reflection? What is reflection to you? Is it possible to do reflection during pdp? How do you cater distructive studentS? How students affair helps (in any options; teachers, students, etc)? To what extent teachers can help the problematic student (she gave situations, real one!! Till I felt like want to cry 😢)

Third, adakah negara kita boleh mencapai wawasan 2020? Nyatakan sebab (He gave us a minute to think). He asked for concrete evidences/facts.

Both of them wished the best of us all. He reminded us (yang dari jauh) to have a safe journey. Aww.. so sweet.

Took our files and rph books. Walked out gratefully.

Sharing Story

To whom it may concern,

Feel free to share your stories as long as you are happy to share. I am very open to all stories (really? Haha). When I am freeing myself from other matters, I will check on my inbox.

If the stories inspire me, I might reply your email. If the stories are perfect, I might just read them with no replies. If the stories are confusing me, I might end up ignore or reply for better understanding.

This is my email address, adahredha@gmail.com .

If the story is super duper awesomely good, I might post it in my blog and share it to the world. Well, if you know me well, I love spreading love to all.

So, this would be my last post until I decided to write again. I might post more writing but it might be just sharing that I get from you.

Love.

Bit by bit

Bit by bit
I begin to
Se it.

Will it be clear enough
Let the Creator of the universe
Decides.

If what I feel is wrong
All I need is to
Let it all go
And do whatever
I like
Meeting new people
Meeting friends
Spread love
To all
Just like what I have been doing
Before all those madness happened.

If what I feel is right
Then,
I will let the Creator decides
How will it goes.

Bit by bit
I begin to
See it.

Feel it

As the time passing through
Seconds by seconds
I feel
Feel it
The peace inside me
Starts to bloom

Alhamdulillah.

An angel

The moment I see her, my heart beat faster. I don't know why but it always happen. She is like an angel. Nope. She is an angel. With little baby in her hands, it looks perfect even without her husband. I realize, everytime I see her, I feel in love with her, again.

Give

"Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
.......
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning"

(All Of Me)

The Sun

The sun has never failed to shine. Each second. It is just the earth that spins around, make the sun looks like it is running away from us. It is just the cloud that cover it from our sight, make the sun looks like hiding from us.

Only He knows the best

"The secrecy of the future remains a mystery almost to all of us. I won't give up on what I am believe in. But.."

"But?"

"When I gave my heart to someone without knowing when, I started to realize that the thing I believe in could be true. Until.."

"Hurm...."

"Until the moment he chose his own path, alone. "

"There must be reason. "

"Yes. Yes. There is. A reason. I think."

"See, I was right. I am pretty sure there must be at least a strong reason for his action."

"But I don't understand. How can a person who claimed that he or she loves you so much, chooses his or her path without asking the one he or she loves? How can he be so selfish taking that path on his own? Acting like a hero?"

"You mean he wanted to protect you. "

"Sort of. Still, I cannot see how can I have another heart to marry another man. I've been there. It took me years. Years."

"I see.. it is hard for you to accept the fact that he won't be with you. "

"Yes."

"Why?"

"If it is destiny, how can he see that? How can he be so sure of the future? Why can't I?"

"Hurm.. I don't know. "

"I can't see the future too. Still, I believe that I will have someone besides me who I call husband. And be with him to meet the Creator. Unless, I am in my 50 and still unmarried or I die before I get married, then, yes, I can accept that I am a single person. "

"Make sense."

"He did say it is natural to have the feeling of having a family of our own and babies.. but then, he chose something that beyond the natural things that he said. "

"Hurm... maybe whatever reason he has is more powerful that the feeling of all those you said. "

"Then leave me would be the best thing to do, I think. It is hurt to miss him but it is more painful to know that he wont be the one. "

"Are you sure?"

"Man, you don't know woman. It is not easy, dear. It is not. When it comes to heart matters, it is hard. I did try my best but it is hard. I try to ignore the feeling, the more I feel. When I let the feeling comes, the greater the pain. "

"I wish I could feel the burden you are feeling right now.

"It is sometimes feels like the flower blooming, the sky blue, feel so great...but sometimes it feels like being stabbed straight to the heart thousands times."

"What are you going to do then?"

"I am giving it all back to Him. Only He knows the best. "

Help

"Do you want me to help you out?"

"No. Thank you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I am positive."

"You have someone else to help? That's good."

"No. I don't have."

"Then?"

"I am asking help only from Him. I am sorry. It is not that I do not need any help from you at all, it just that, on this particular matter, as I always did, I will ask only Him. Besides, He is the One Who Know it all."

"Indeed. I am glad to know that. May you find peace in everything you do and feel. Aameen."

"Aameen."

Forgot

"I forgot"

"About what?"

"I forgot to care about others. As I walked around the facebook, I found out that I have missed out about their life events, and some of those, importance one. I forgot to check on them. I was too busy with myself. How selfish I am."

"No you are not. Everyone has their own things and stuffs to cover."

"I am. How can I let myself to becoming a busy body towards those who are very close to me? Especially those who are very kind and helpful when I in my final study years. I feel to awful. This is so not me. I always care about them. I always check on them."

"Maybe you were distracted."

"Maybe."

Disease

"Perfection is disease of a nation, it's the soul that needs a surgery"

(Pretty Hurt, Beyonce)

Empty

"Why can see through you?"

"Hmm..."

"Empty."

"I myself fail to understand myself. How can I answer you?"

Excitement

"The moment when you have lost the excitement to live, someone has to remind you to eat or you don't feel to. Because dying is not something scary anymore."

"It is alright. As long as you have the will to move on at least a reason, that is enough."

"Hurm.."

"Keep on walking, you haven't reach yet."

Soften

"Hey, go on and live your life."

"I am."

"Hurm... I can see it. You bad at hiding."

"Maybe this is one of the way, the Creator wants to soften my heart."

Gift(s)

'Love is like a present from the Creator. Usually, we would be happy and joy when we receive gift(s). Still, is it fair to love the gift(s) more than the giver?'

(Page 23, Semuanya Soal Hati, Pahrol Mohamad Juoi, 2013)

*Translated by me from Malay to English Language.

Vanish

"It seems like you have gone. Is it for good?"

"Yes. I guess so. No. I mean I am sure. This is the only way."

"Why? How can you think that way?"

"Because I believe that HE The All Knowing, knows my heart and what I feel. I believe this is the only way. I can't take this anymore."

"Are you hurt? Hate so much?"

"No", crying. "Not because of hating. Because the feeling that I have is too strong for me to handle. I am scared. I miss him so much. He doesn't understand that I..", crying. "that I cannot be like him. I cannot live with somebody else while my heart is with him. I cannot pretend that I am okay to be apart. How can he admitted that he has the same feeling but choose to live all by himself?"

"I am sorry." Hugging, to calm her down.

"That's why I choose to vanish. I need time for myself. I need to know it myself from HIM. I need this."

"I understand."

Bleed

"My heart is bleeding."

"Yeah, of course. If there's no blood, how can you survive." Laugh.

"You know what I mean.."

"Yes.. Yes.. I do, dear. Care to share with me?"

"Hurm... the one who I love the most chooses to live alone."

"What? Why?"

"All I know that fact keeps my heart bleed. Worse, I don't die. Sometimes I wish I am just not exist to feel this way."

"What are you going to do?"

"Die."

Scars

"What are these?"

"What? Oh, these. They are the scars from the past."

"How long is that past?"

"9 years ago."

"What happened?"

"They reminds me to keep on believing in good times. To keep on moving and living when I broke down. Because when I was a child, I did my best to stay alive.  Then, why should I stop now?"

Doubt

"Do you know what?"

"What it is?"

"When I was younger, I did trust someone until I left my friends, just to prove to him that I am a loyal person."

"You must be so in love at that time."

"Ironically, he was always in doubt with me. He claimed that he trusted me, it just that he doubted me."

"Doubt? But still trust?"

"But yeah, I still trusted him until something happened and I stopped believing in people around me."

"I am sorry to hear that."

"It is fine. After a couple of years, I started to believe again."

"That is great. To be able to believe in is a miracle."

"I am blessed. But now, I realize that the same situation strike me again. Except thus time around, I never left out my friends. Trust but in doubt."

"And you believe him?"

"Never in doubt."

"What are you going to do then?"

"I don't know. I just don't know."

Inspire

"If you cannot find any inspiration in this little world, be one. Be one that inspire others."

Care

"How can you still care?"

"Because he gave his everything to me. He trusted me when he knew it was hard for him to trust people around him. He let me in, to touch his aching soul. His most vulnerable part. Then, how can I ignore him just because of some mistakes that he did?"

Broken Wheel

"What happen to you?"

"My wheel is broken. I am always at the bottom. This is insane. I don't understand why this is happening? Why am I always at the bottom?"

"Are you sure it is broken? It is real you are at the bottom or you feel like you are at the bottom?"

"What do you mean? It is the same, right?"

"Wheel of life can never be broken because life never stop spinning. It is impossible to stay at the bottom all the time. It is either we do not notice the moment we are at the peek or we always compare ourselves to others when they are at their peek. I mean, not everyone who is success, or so we thought, always at the top because again, life is a spinning wheel. We can never always stay at the bottom or top. It always change."

"So, mine is not broken?"

"Well, I might say yes, it is not."

Happiness

"What makes you happy?"

"Everything"

"Even the one that hurt you the most?"

"Yes"

A Story of A Girl

This is a story of a girl who held onto the concept of a serious relationship. I wrote this as a reminder to those youngsters out there who decide to have a so called serious relationship. It can end up with happiness or grieve. It is up you to decide how your life will be. Happy reading. 😊

In 2009, she was not like the others. Very different. Her friends could see smile and laugh. At night time, she went to her little space and cried. There was when she collected her courage and spirit to keep her alive.

She was the bench level of trust by some teachers. She was the bravest of all, they thought. Inside, she was like glass, strong but very fragile.

She asked for strength. Then, came a person who she thought a little strength for her.

She was starting to see the light and felt happy. She knew him, they knew each other but they seldom met. Texting was the only way they kept in touch with one another. Not all the time but just enough for them to share abouy life and views.

Until there was a time, he asked her about marrige, to promise to wait for him. It was a question that she did not expect to hear. Held onto the serious relationship concept, from friend, both of them moved to a serious relationship that they both vowed to end with a marriged life.

She was happy with the decision she made. So was him. To strengthen and care the promise, she began to set rules for herself. The relationship must be kept secret until they got married. She did not want others to know because it was a promise they both made. Why bother telling others? She thought. She seldom texts and calls unless there was a need. She kept her feeling well. She followed his steps, his advises and his all. She began to focus on him, stopped contacting others only him. Both family knew about this. Both parents were okay.

Contrary, the guy, he spreaded around abou the relationship almost to all people that they both knew; teachers and friends. When she questioned about it, he asked her why would she embarrassed with the relationship? She claimed it was not something that appropriate (for her) to spread to all until they both got married.

There was up and down moments. Still, they hung up to one another. Kept on trusting and love each other.

Until, another person came in. At first it was a normal meeting with friend, they both thought. She was here, at home. He was away from her, continuing his study. The third person started contacting the guy. She was okay with that. Since the third person was a very dear friend during school time and she respected her a lot.

Then, the third person started to ask to meet with the guy. She stopped him. For her, it was not okay to meet the third person alone. She could sense there was something not okay.

But the guy insisted.

After few days, he contacted her. Told her everything that happened. She broke down. Crying. Trying to accept the news. Still, with everything left in her, with love, she forgave him. She held onto the power of love and the vow she made with him.

At the same moment, the third person kept on asking for him to focus on her despites of knowing that he has someone else. The third person asked the girl to let go of him. She refused. The guy asked her to be patient and waited for him to solve the mess. The girl asked him to leave the third person for good but he said no. He wanted to help the third person.

After months of not contacting one another, she began to move on. Her friends told her about the engagement for the third person and the guy. They knew it from a media social. She broke down. Hurt. Not knowing where to ask, she tried to contacting him but failed. The third person interuppted and asked her to forget about the guy. She was devastated.

One day, the guy called her and asked her to wait for him. He said that his heart was belong to her not the third person. He was lost. The third person took control over his phone and all. With the love and vowed, she forgave him and said she would wait for him. Her family thought everything was okay. She did not tell about it.

When she continued her study, she began to move on with life. Trying not to think about him.

Until he called her she. He explained everything to her. He said he had left the third person. She asked him to stop contacting her.

She had let go of everything. The hurt was beyond her expectation. She could not believe anymore. At the same time, he kept trying to win her back.

She insisted with her decision to move on with life. Why waited for one who could not stand for her when he had the chance? If he loved her so much, why would not him let go of the third person when she asked him to. She had let go of others, why couldn't he do the same? Why came back after?

Then serious relationship concept vanished with the bitter memory. She moved on with life, searching for the meaning of life.

After a year, he called her and asked her to come to his wedding in June 2012.

She was so happy that finally he found someone else who could replace her. And promise herself to keep on living the life with lots of love.

Learn

"Where did you learn so much about everything?"

"Anywhere. I learn so much from where I'm standing just by looking around."

We Can Never Buy Trust

"It is okay to be afraid to drive. It can help you to be careful and care for safety. But too scared can be fatal too. When you feel afraid to drive, use the fear to make yourself conscious about hazard around you while driving. Do everything you can to drive safely. Try to control the fear into something good."

"Sounds hard."

"It is hard. But when you manage to do it, I bet, you will be happy to arrive your destination safely. And the passenger can rely their trust onto you. I know you know, we can never buy trust."

Fame

"How people build their fame?"

"Through wealth, education and the highest one is attitude."

"How about you?"

"I'm not an excellent student but my teacher still remember me even after 10 years. He might not remember my name but he could recognize me pretty well."

"What did you do back there?"

"I smile a lot till the teacher scolded me for smiling while being scolded."

Cherish Flaws, Embrace Beauty

"How to know whether I really treat other people with love or not?"

"When they to small mistakes, you feel hurt. It means you give huge amount of love and you care to much till you get hurt easily."

"Then, how to love freely and happily?"

"Just love them, accept them, accept their everything; cherish their flaws, embrace their beauty."

Merajuk

"Merajuk ke?"

"Hurm"

"Tak apa la. Nak merajuk dengan aku tak apa. Aku terima."

"Hurm"

"Merajuk dengan Tuhan, jangan. Jangan sesekali."

"Allah..."

I respect

"You can have me
With my absence
You can feel me
Without looking at me
You can connect with me
Magically

I admit all above
And I respect your view.

I have mine too

I want to have
I want to be connected
Both magically and physically

I want to feel
To have someone I call husband
I want to feel
To have at least a child I call son or daugther
I want to devote my life
To my own family

I want to experience all above.

You can stay where you are
Believe in what you believe in
Cherish every moment of your life with that

I understand.

I will have to move on
Devoting to my family and my future family

I have a hope, once.
Not twice but many times, my hope broken into pieces
Each and every time I build it again with tears, once it stood still high up in the sky, your words broke it into pieces.

Maybe those were the sign, given by the Creator to stop trying, and move on.

I have my own views and believes
In the mean time, with the time I do not own, I will continue spread love to all."

Spread

"Because love is the only rationale act, let me be me spreading love to anywhom I want and I like. Let me love them all."

By Adahredha

Thread

" Even a single thread can screw up your day stitching, even more with people."

By adahredha

Family the Spiritual Security

"This is the part of what a family is about, not just love, but letting others know there's someone who is watching out for them. It's what I missed so much when my mother died - what I call your 'spiritual security' - knowing that your family will be there watching out for you. Nothing else will give you that. Not money. Not fame."

Page 92, Tuesday With Morrie 1997, Mitch Albom.

Embrace Aging

Weren't you ever afraid to grow old, I asked?

"Mitch, I embrace aging."

Embrace it?

"It's very simple. As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed at twenty-two, you'd always be as ignorant as you were at twenty-two. Aging is not just decay, you know. It's growth. It's more than the negative that you're going to die, it's also the positive that you understand you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it."

Page118, Tuesday With Morrie 1997, Mitch Albom.

Detach

"What I'm doing now," he continued, his eyes still closed, "is detaching myself from the experience."

Detaching yourself?

"Yes. Detaching myself. And this is important - not just for someone like me, who is dying, but for someone like you, who is perfectly healthy. Learn to detach."

He opened his eyes. He exhaled. " You know what the Buddhists say? Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent."

But wait, I said. Aren't you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?

"Yes."

Well how can you do that if you're detached?

"Ah. You're thinking, Mitch. But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. In the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able go leave it."

Page 103, Tuesday With Morrie 1997, Mitch Albom

Purpose and Meaning

....I thought of something else Morrie had told me: "So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

I knew he was right.

(Page 43, Tuesday With Morrie 1997, Mitch Albom)

Love wins

"Have I told you about the tension of opposites?" he says.

The tension of opposites?

"Life is a series of pulls backa nd forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never tak eanything for granted."

"A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."

Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.

"A wrestlimg match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."

So which side wins, I ask?

"Which side wins?"

He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.

"Love wins. Love always wins."

(Page 40, Tuesday With Morrie 1997, Mitch Albom)

The D day

At the moment when I thought I was at the peek of my happiness, I fall.

Fall to the deepest and darkest hole of my life. The day I was screaming and laughing out loud gone. The next day started with broken heart. Clueless I was.

As a human being, being at the bottom is the least likeable condition. And for me, I was reaching out my hand and screaming from the bottom of my heart, for help, for one to grab and pull me up.

At the end of the day, I gave up all. Cried not like a baby buy more like a helpless soldier, stuck in the middle of a war. Hurt. Bleeding. Panic. And all.

The next morning waking up like a dry person. Doing routines and stitching. Each and every stroke was like stitching my own wounded heart. Pain. My heart sunk.

Keep on in climbing the mountain of life with each step took me down again. I was devastated. Staying at the same spot again waiting for a hand to grab me out. Praying to HIM was essential. With every word came out like an arrow shotted to the sky. Hoping.
When I saw a person, look like would pull me out, the person who is so close to my heart, I was delighted. Threw both hands up with hope. Waiting to be saved. To my mistake, I was wrong. Again, I bleed.

Wrapping my both arms to myself, crying till my next day comes. I was wrong. Now I know, no one else should I rely on but HIM. The Most Merciful and the Most Gracious.

May He grants me the happiness again... Aameen.

Dear Future Husband

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

(In the name of God, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful)

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While I was cross stitching, my mind wandered across the reality of my life to the future life of mine that I know not. I did have my plan(s). Still, I bear in my heart that He is the only one that knows the best for me.

After posting in Instagram about my little project for Thaqif, a friend's child, my heart grew wary. The cloud turned grey. The sweet strawberry turned sour.

I seek enlightenment from the Book of Love by HIM. And there I found a verse about marriage. I ended my reading at the last verse of the topic. Deep thought surrounded me.

Again this afternoon, the same thought conquered me. And I decided to write a letter for my dear future husband that I never know who, yet.

"Dear Mr. Future Husband, 

When you read this, please bear in mind that I am not desperate to find you nor wanting you instantly. I am just writing this letter for you to know some part of me before you choose me to be your future wife.

Love, Let me tell you what I need from you. And I hope to know what you need from me too. Then, we can tolerate one another to be pronounced as husband and wife. 

Love, It is not gold that I seek. I need affection, attention, care and love more. I might be carried away with these and those, that is the moment when I need you the most to hug me and bring me back to my consciousness. I am not a good cook but I always love to try something new as long as it does no harm to me. Teach me, be with me, encourage me to cook and I will learn to be the best cook for you. I don't have the modelling figure to feed your charming eyes but I do believe that I am beautiful in my own ways. If you think that is not enough, help me to be and stay beautiful for you. Sometimes I can be like a child, seeking your attention and affection, crying over some small matters and explode like a volcano over unimportant things. When I did that, please bear with me, understand me, hold me tight with love and care, just that to calm me down. Sometimes I can be like a manager and the best planner in the world, giving suggestions after suggestions to you which you might feel offended. Please bear in mind, Love, I do that for the best of us. If you still don't like that, tell me, let me know. 

Love, When life hits you hard, remember that I am here. Tell me. Talk to me. Make me feel like I am your bestest friend to listen your wary. I am not good at savings, but I can help in managing out economy together. Please don't apart me from your life. No. Not even a bit. Tell me. Talk to me. I am here. Make me feel like I am your private consultant, the one and only. I am not a doctor but every time you feel unwell, I am the one worries so much about you. Tell me. Talk to me. Make me feel like I am your private nurse. 

Love,I can never be like Fatimah Az Zahra but I am learning and preparing myself to learn and understand about Creator, creations. Still, I know I can never be prepared. I need you to be my guidance. Assist me to be a better muslim so that I can nourish our children to be a better muslim. 

Love, I might forget about little things and important ones, please be patient with me. Sometimes when I am not in focus, I always forget. Remind me always. I can be clumsy too. Still, dont hate me, Love, because sometimes being clumsy is cute. 

Love, I have my own goals. My goals are achievable with or without you. Still, if the destiny decides you would be here by my side before I achieve my goals, you would be one of my goals and I would be delightful to have you as my courage. 

Love, Whoever you are, I want you to know that I have love you since today, the day I write this. I will keep a space for you in my heart that only you can fit in perfectly."

I have more to write but I decide to keep them till I find him.

New Journey Ahead

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

(In the name of God, the most Gracious, the most Merciful)

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It has been a while since my last updated. Sorry. Instagram has taken over my interest. I could not find any idea to write. But here I am now. Alhamdulillah.

I am here to write a note to myself. I just finished planning on my new lesson plan for three months. No, I am not yet an official teacher. I am just helping a boy in his Math. Yes, I know, how can I actually teach Math? Well, easy, I don't. Haha. It is more to what I call - assist. I am very positive that the teaching has been taken my the teachers at school, so why am I bother to teach, huh? So, yes, I am just assisting him to love Math, to excite him with Math and to make him feel easy to answer any Math questions. 

Since I am not an expert, this is a new journey for me to really learn Math for me to be able to help him. Well, there were times when I did not know but we managed to answer those questions together. The best part - he begins to like Math.

This year, he will have to face PT3. So, I am trying to encourage him to learn for a life (life-long learning). So, if he cannot answer means he does not understand and life long learning is about understanding. Plus, my philosophy of teaching and learning (since I was in my 1 semester I still hold on to this) is understanding. 

Starting from now, I want to share some of ilm of Math that I learn by myself in my blog. Aameen. Hope this journey will make me feel better and improve my learning skills. 

So tonight I am going to start with Theory Pythagoras, Chapter 6, Form 2, Secondary School in Malaysia. All the best.

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Wassalam.