1st_TheBigThing (Part 2)

Part 1
.......At this moment of my life, I was like, "I'm okay, I'm still okay, I can control my self, my mind and my heart".

After a year……………………….

Before Ramadhan, my heart hurt so badly. The feeling of wanting to let go of it was so huge. I almost failed to keep it shut for few times. To keep my heart cold, every time I remembered him, I would pray.. asked for His guidance. Until...

Another test coming. Each and every moment I prayed, he would be there.."Tadaa.!!" I t was like a magic.. And the whole Ramadhan, I was so terrified with my own heart. Bleeding. Wanted to let go of it. Urgh..!! added up with him who wanted me to speak up the truth of all the secrecy that I've kept from him. I bet he could smell it, it just that, until I speak up, he will simply deny it. I keep on holding to my promise, TWO YEARS that it all what I need.

As the precious month went away, Syawal was another month that gave myself a joy but not for long. Wounded heart bleeding, again. I knew it was different this time. The tremendous feeling of wanting to tell him was far great. Countless time I typed text filled with words of sincerity and guilty that I've kept. Alhamdulillah. As fast as I typed it, I deleted it. 

From Him I asked strength to keep it to myself. 

I was fully understood that I couldn't let myself been fooled by the heart game. I must kept my word to myself for the best of all. The friendship that I'v built with him was enough. The stubbornness of telling him the truth would help both of us in the sense of qalb, what I believe in. 

Besides, I want the best of all. Enough of suffering from this kind of madness, all I want is the purest love from Him, Rasulullah, Family and Friends. Later, insyaAllah he, my husband who I never know yet. 

I am a person with a hope, high hope in protecting my on love. Grieving and mourning for lower class love is such a wasted. I know which and what I want. No need to give my heart to someone who I never know will be the man of my soul...