In Pain

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

It's hurt

I'm in pain

In this state

My eyes, heart, soul, qalb

Felling the burdens

of Pain

in me

Unable to let it go

Grip become tighter

Lose it

I wish

Still, 

I'm lost, again

Her Cold Lil Room

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

This is a long lost post that I left drafted in the unpublished list. So, it happened when I came back from home to my university. Didn't have the key, stayed in my bestie's room. So, it was before I started my teaching practice which probably in December. Hahaha.. I know, it was a long time ago. Huhuhhu.

.........................................................................

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Last night I stayed in her room. It was cold...

I slept on the floor coz there's only a bed. By using my sweater (Bronco) and bed sheet, I entered my dream world, silently.

Woke up a bit late and realized that I didn't move my body posture at all. Again, that morning, it was cold. Unable to be in tho coldness, we turned of the fan. 15 minutes promised, sunk in the morning dream of mine.

To think again, I wonder, how people out there who do not have home, sleep? especially in cold weather country. How can they actually by the road side coz I'm sure it is freezing cold.

I miss you?

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

Alhamdulillah.. currently in here, UTM.

Before this, I really missed my lil friends in UTM (Archery team). Almost every night, my dreams filled with them. Urgh..!! I missed them so much till I felt like want to hug them tight when I meet them, seriously. 

I kept the feeling with pray for them. Yes, sometimes I did tell them that I missed them but just for once. Not more than that, I kept it for I wanted to release the feeling of missing them when I see them. My heart hurt so badly. I hold it tight...refuse to let the feeling go.

Then........

Today I met them. Two of them, precisely. 

1st.

She picked me up by the road side. I kissed her hand and hugged her. I missed her. Then we changed stories, lots of stories. Alhamdulillah... I still can't believe that we met each other. 

2nd.

We went to his college to sent him his stuff. I knew that I missed him to. But once I saw him, I felt nothing. almost empty. I was confuse, feelingless.

I keep on asking myself, do I really miss them, ALL of them so badly? do I? Or it was just sort of like a habit for me to see them...so when they are not there, right on front of my eyes, I feel like the habit of mine is gone? Confusing.

Then, hey...!! husnuzon panda..!! husnuzon..!!

On The Night Road

Assalamualaikum

Tonight we went to MM without my parents and my lil brother who's not so lil anymore. There was only one reason for us to go there-pinky shoes.

It was fast. As quick as we reached there, I found the shoes I wanted. Next we made a pit stop in Popular, bought two magazines for our soul and a mechanical pencil (for my youngest sis). Then, off we went back home.

On the way back home, an accident have happened before we reached. My tummy cried , wanted to be filled in but my mind was disturbed by the liquid spread on the road. Either blood or gas, no one in the car knew. Yet we went for a dinner, together.

Before we reached to MM, there was SILENT. nobody speak nor made any sounds. It was a disturbing silent, for me. It forced my self to think about everything (almost) had happened before-my entire life. 

Flashing back, started from the moment we were moving out in the car......

My dad was reminding us to hurry as my sissies and I prepared. Calmness gone. Then my mom came, did the same thing to us. I just grabbed anything that I needed and went out immediately. She asked for not to buy anything for her nor dad. Keep the money to myself for dad wouldn't send we to go back to UTM with khacing no more. I knew, family crisis was on - Money problem.

I was well understood that last month and before last month, we didn't have enough money for most of the money went to naza (car broke down) and kenari (same problem as well). Things went worse for dad after my brother resigned from Qym. All payments and bills were on my dad. It was too heavy for him, I realized.

Calculating, I too, used more money than before. I've asked to much. Plus with my training session for three weeks away from home, sure, needed money. Where? dad of course. Again, the burden was on him to carry. 

I didn't blame anyone. This is what I called test and challenge for my dad from Him. But for me, his daughter, it was not easy when I saw the changes in his behaviour lately. All I could say, he was trying to get his mind out of the problems. 

My plan to get a license die. I was afraid. I don't want to add more burden to him. My mind keep on thinking like someone who is interested in business, make more money by myself. To help my dad and my brother as well. My head hurt, again.

All the way to MM, been in my own world, thinking and thinking all over again. 

It was scary to think about the future which you don't even know where it goes and ends... Money is not everything but to almost everything forced us to have money. This is just a little 'ujian' from Him to my dad and us as a unit of family. How to solve it? 

Back to basic..............ALLAH 

1st_TheBigThing (Part 2)

Part 1
.......At this moment of my life, I was like, "I'm okay, I'm still okay, I can control my self, my mind and my heart".

After a year……………………….

Before Ramadhan, my heart hurt so badly. The feeling of wanting to let go of it was so huge. I almost failed to keep it shut for few times. To keep my heart cold, every time I remembered him, I would pray.. asked for His guidance. Until...

Another test coming. Each and every moment I prayed, he would be there.."Tadaa.!!" I t was like a magic.. And the whole Ramadhan, I was so terrified with my own heart. Bleeding. Wanted to let go of it. Urgh..!! added up with him who wanted me to speak up the truth of all the secrecy that I've kept from him. I bet he could smell it, it just that, until I speak up, he will simply deny it. I keep on holding to my promise, TWO YEARS that it all what I need.

As the precious month went away, Syawal was another month that gave myself a joy but not for long. Wounded heart bleeding, again. I knew it was different this time. The tremendous feeling of wanting to tell him was far great. Countless time I typed text filled with words of sincerity and guilty that I've kept. Alhamdulillah. As fast as I typed it, I deleted it. 

From Him I asked strength to keep it to myself. 

I was fully understood that I couldn't let myself been fooled by the heart game. I must kept my word to myself for the best of all. The friendship that I'v built with him was enough. The stubbornness of telling him the truth would help both of us in the sense of qalb, what I believe in. 

Besides, I want the best of all. Enough of suffering from this kind of madness, all I want is the purest love from Him, Rasulullah, Family and Friends. Later, insyaAllah he, my husband who I never know yet. 

I am a person with a hope, high hope in protecting my on love. Grieving and mourning for lower class love is such a wasted. I know which and what I want. No need to give my heart to someone who I never know will be the man of my soul...